Dystopian Haikus for Poetry Haters

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Sweet & Woodsy Aromotherapy

You are in the woods
To find peace and privacy
You took hella pics

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Bands were about to go onstage, folks were milling around outside and someone walked through the waiting crowd enthusiastically encouraging everyone to “go inside now and hear some poetry.” Say what? Not a big fan of poems of any sort, I ignored this, continuing my conversation and cancer stick. 

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Trump America

All sexy ladies
Will report to the dance floor

For deportation
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But the enthusiastic pleas persisted. “You won’t be sorry!” “Please come inside! This will be totally worth it!” “You gotta hear these haikus!” 

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Crazy Buffet

She said she was bi
But neglected to mention
She meant bipolar

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I momentarily shrugged off my disdain for sonnet and wandered inside. 

At the mic was a skinny millennial aged looking kid, flipping through pages of his book and monotonally reading haikus that were, to put it mildly, FUCKING BRILLIANT.

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Boho Vibes

We can't all wear hats
So I will go without one
To balance the vibe

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I not only had to get a copy of his book, I had to know more. This was perfect FUCK YOU ALL material.

Without further ado, meet Jonathan Rice.

Hi Jonathan, how old are you and where do you live?

I’m thirty-five years old and live in Los Angeles.

I really enjoyed your haiku reading at Desert and Denim. To think I almost MISSED your reading… because I uh… am not a big fan of poetry. What about you? Why poetry?

My general reaction to “some guy is about to read some poetry, everyone come and see” is similar to your own. So, no hard feelings. A couple years ago I just started posting haikus on Instagram to amuse my friends and myself. I think of Instagram like the walls of an enormous toilet, walls that I am free to deface with haikus.

Do you have any poets who are inspiration?

I have been moved by so many writers and poets and such.  None of them really inform these particular haikus, at least not consciously. 

Ever heard/seen those “Deep Thoughts” that used to be on Saturday Night Live? Your humor reminds me of those!

That is so cool my stuff reminds you of “Deep Thoughts.” When I was a kid, that was my favorite sketch on SNL besides anything featuring Chris Farley. 

What compelled you to start writing snarky haikus and posting them on instagram?

Like most people my age I am hopelessly addicted to this app.  I’m fascinated and appalled by the culture around Instagram, and I’d like to think I’m aware of my complicity in it. I just wanted to fill up this space that is 99% used for images with actual words. Don’t get me wrong - I’ve posted some pictures of myself for shallow reasons, and will do so again. Probably very soon.

So you have over 16K instagram followers… how fast did that happen?

I think it’s just word of mouth. Or word of post? People share the haikus they like with their friends and the audience just grows naturally from there. That’s one of my favorite aspects of writing poetry on social media - it’s totally interactive. The mob rules. One day the mob will turn on me and I’ll be decapitated live on Periscope.

Do you post whenever your haikus just “come to you”? Or do you make yourself post a certain number of them on a regular basis — like a writing exercise?

Sometimes I post them as soon as I write them because I’m reacting to something happening in the news or in popular culture. Those haikus don’t stand the test of time and they are not designed to do so. Others I save for the hours where there is peak Instagram usage - I have data analytics for that.  It’s as cold and methodical as an industrial slaughterhouse.

So you have a book out, and I hear it’s in it’s second printing! The book is compiled from some of your instagram postings from 2016-2017. How did your book come about?

The book was my friend Jessica Hundley’s idea. She is a partner at Hat & Beard Press, and this was all her concept. I was content to let these things live and die on the ‘Gram. She has legitimized me in the eyes of my parents and it has healed my family.

Why the book title, “Farewell, My Dudes: 69 Dystopian Haikus?”

When I moved to LA thirteen years ago, I had never heard the phrase “my dudes” before.  Not in the way it’s used out here, anyway. I always found it funny. Instead of “my guy,” like they say in the Bronx, or “my man” like they say in the movies.

When you are writing, which comes first, the title or the haiku?

The haiku always comes first. Then I search for the title in the “locations” section of Instagram.  All the titles of the haikus are real places on Earth. I just type in some wild shit and it pops up in some strange, jumbled incarnation. 

Who are all the hot chicks reading your haikus as videos on your instagram?

Some of them are my friends, some of them are who you might call “influencers” in the world of social media. And some, like Anne Hathaway, have won Academy Awards. Anne did not win an Oscar for her reading of my haiku, tbh.

Where do your haiku ideas come from?

They are generally reactions to things I see online. Things that I think are funny, or sad, or so sad that they are funny.

Are your haikus true stories? (Is there really a podcast about guacamole? A feather photographer at Crystal Feathers Spa? A sad selfie picture princess who father left her?)

As far as I know, there is no guacamole podcast. But I do think that there will be soon. I do think that there is someone who takes pictures of feathers as their job, but I have not met this person. There are probably several million “sad selfie princesses” with deadbeat dads. Probably more.

I feel like you are poking fun of the millennial generation and it’s awkward, all consuming, social media obessession. Are you poking fun at yourself? 

Every accusation is a confession.

Do you consider yourself an optimist, pessimist, nihilist or realist?

I consider myself an inexplicable optimist. 

And I saw you have haiku t-shirts! How many designs do you have?

The t-shirts that are out now were a collaboration with The Quiet Life and Andy Mueller. I was really stoked to do that with them. Right now we just have one design but there are plans for more. 

I think your haikus would be great on greeting cards or coffee mugs… are there plans for any more haiku stuff?

There are plans for both cards and mugs. Merry fucking Christmas to me.

Have you ever considered doing stand up comedy?

Well, when I read the book at events around the country, I am standing. And sometimes people laugh. So, that ticks most of the boxes. I’d like to think my personal hygiene is better than most stand-ups, though.

So you are musician, how can people find your music?

Wherever music is stolen, that’s where mine is streaming.

What’s the connection between your haikus and your music?

It’s all coming out of my mind, for better or for worse.

Who are your favorite bands?

The Stooges, Big Star, Dylan….

I love this quote in your book’s foreward:

Poetry, when encountered unexpectedly, can be unexpectedly loved. One might love it accidentally. 

—Mandy Kahn

Because I almost missed your “poetry set”! I’m glad i didn’t, thanks for making me laugh!

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Order “Farewell, My Dudes: 69 Dystopian Haikus” on Amazon or directly from Hat and Beard Press, at hatandbeard.com. Follow Jonathan on Instagram at mrjonathanrice.

Listen to an interview with Jonathan on my friend's podcast, Jedbanger's Ball.

--Beth

It's Just "Frisco" Now

When I moved from San Francisco six months ago, a friend made me a button that said it all:

"It's just Frisco now."

She was referring to the slang term "Frisco" and the disdain many folks have for it -- associating it with tourists. It sadly summed up what had been happening the last 10+ years with the tech industry and  developers moving in and slowly sucking SF's cultural soul away.

Yesterday I saw a picture from a new advert campaign in Bayview Hunters Point. HP is basically the ghetto of San Francisco, and one of the last areas to be gentrified, but unaffordable high-rise housing is creeping in. When I saw this bus stop campaign I immediately jumped to the conclusion that it was to promote said high-rise housing.

But after further investigation I discovered it's not a housing ad. It's part of a warm, fuzzy, we're a diverse "neighborhood" campaign promoting the idea that "Bayview" is made up of all kinds of nationalities and ages, genders and such. Apparently the bearded dude has lived in "Bayview" for eight years and loves it there. I lived in San Francisco 26 years. If I ever went to "Bayview" -- which I did many times, I always called it "Hunters Point." But doesn't "Bayview" sound so much more pleasant?

I get the good intentions and idea behind the "it's a small world after all," life is about diversity stuff, but this just screams "young, hip, white people are taking over" and it's like a slap in the face to those who are being pushed out and displaced -- mostly black people, who live in HUNTERS POINT.

And to that, I say, FUCK YOU ALL.

I would love to see a campaign "I WAS (insert SF neighborhood here)" with photos of all the friends I've had who have been evicted over the years and had to leave the bay area.

I can't help but want to fuck with this campaign...

I guess if the posters said "I am PART of Bayview" it'd be easier to digest. POOR, poor San Francisco. How I miss what you used to be. I know SF is not alone, it's happening all over... but it hurts.

--Beth