Selfie Hos

So we started another blog dedicated to our least favorite people.

SELFIE HOs.

Check it out: THE SELFIE WHORROR PICTURE SHOW.

I mean, come on guys, it's not cute, or sexy, or endearing -- it's fucking embarrassing when you post endless selfies of yourself on facebook.

GIVE IT A REST, ALREADY.

FUCK. YOU. ALL.

"Will soooooomebody pleeeeeeasse push me to MaaaacDonald's??" (screamed loudly: 7am)

It's 7am and I am barely halfway through my coffee. I am en route to work and hoping to get there before the next downpour while waiting for the bus outside of the 24th Street Bart.

And here she comes. "Will soooooomebody pleeeeeeasse push me to MaaaacDonald's?" Five or six times at full volume. She's across the street and halfway down the block but I still hear her. Everybody does.

She's in a wheelchair and has a good 200 feet to go, to get that egg mcmuffin at the glorious golden arches. She's pretty scrappy and missing shoes.

I exchange some awkward glances with other standbyers.

Uh... I don't think so. Thank god someone took care of it for us. Cause I know I wasn't in the mood, it was too early and cold for this.

But she had no shame. Go get it girl! And FUCK IT ALL, SHE NEEDED HER MAAAAC DONALD'S!

FUYA!

--Shawn

FUCK YOU ALL Coffee Mugs... And More!

FUCK YOU ALL is now swagalicious.

Coffee mugs. T-shirts. Shower curtains.
Duvet covers. Clocks. Rugs.

I mean, who doesn't need a FUCK YOU ALL throw pillow?????

WARNING! WARNING! NIPPLE ALERT!

Recently, I went to visit a friend in prison (yeah yeah, that's a different story.) Well versed in the institution's visitor dress code, I made sure my pants were not too tight, my shoulders were not exposed, and nothing was sheer. So imagine my surprise when I was flagged out of line and told I would need to go put on a bra because my nipples were showing. And by showing, I mean erect... because it was 42 degrees in there!

If you've read my previous post about my exceptionally small breasts, you already know that I don't own a bra. But I know that rules are rules so I returned to my car and put on another tank top with a sports bra built in. Back in line and ready to go but... nope, still showing. Back to the car for a second tank top and the added measure of folding them both bandage style over my teeny, tiny bosom. Trussed up like a Victorian maiden, I found it a little difficult to breath but dammit, those pesky nipples were squished into submission!

A week later, I'm increasingly annoyed by this. All over America, prepubescent girls are given the thumbs up to dress like strippers but I need to camouflage my body's natural reaction to the cold? Stories of shaming directed at publicly breast feeding mothers crop up daily while Hollywood stars gain fame with artificially increased breast size. Society (read: men in power) has co-opted female breasts and skewed their function so as to be for them -- taken out or put away as they see fit. But that doesn't mean we with have to go along with it.

So yes, sometimes you may notice my nipples reacting to the weather because that's WHAT NIPPLES DO. And if you don't like it, my nipples and I will poke your eyes out!

--Heather