(Insert Loud Fart Noise Here)

 On my bus ride home from work last week, a guy sitting next to me was talking VERY LOUDLY for over 20 minutes about all kinds of personal bullshit. I got to hear about how expensive his Uber rides were becoming lately, so he was resorting to public transportation. He went on to delve into details about his 401K and blab about his finances. He mentioned how if things didn't get better he might be moving back to Minnesota. I started recording him with my phone. He had earbuds in and was staring straight ahead, bellowing on and on. It was just... tacky. Here is a just a sliver:

I posted on facebook about it, and a friend replied: "I know it's crass, but in moments such as the one above, I really wish I could fart at will." GREAT suggestion! What this situation needed was a big, juicy, obnoxious FART! I found an app that will do this for me so next time I will be armed and ready.

Later on that day I saw this on facebook. How poignant.

Kudos to whatever guerilla artist is plastering these on poles. Keep up the good work.

And to that guy on the bus and others like him, (insert loud fart noise here). FUYA!

--Beth

Bite Me Under the Mistletoe

It was a week before Christmas, 2013.

I was outside a fancy restaurant, staring in, watching a couple eat dinner. Breathing on the glass, I pulled a few of my bloodied fingers through the moist steam I'd made on the window. Then I turned away and staggered down the street towards the next dive bar on the itinerary.

Damn this was fun!

An hour earlier I'd been hanging out by the big Christmas tree at Union Square when a police officer came over and told me I'd have to leave. A few people were complaining, and I'd made a child cry.

Sounds bad, however, there were also kids around who I'd made laugh. Even took photos with a couple of the pee wees and their parents. And I wasn't trying to be totally obnoxious. Just waiting for some fellow zombies to show up so we could all hit some bars.

It was my first "Zombie Pub Crawl," and lurching around that night, moaning and groaning down the dark streets of San Francisco from watering hole to watering hole, something inside me exploded with freedom.

I have never cared for "dressing up," I dread thinking about what I'll wear when invited to cocktail parties or weddings. You will never see me in lipstick or sporting heels. I've always been a tomboy and prefer t-shirts and jeans. Being in zombie makeup just felt... natural.

That night all I could think of was... I can't wait to do this AGAIN.

FUYA!!!