Fuck. You. All.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Life of the Party
You know those days where you just say "Fuck it. I feel like wearing a lampshade on my head." And then you do it? Yeah, that's right. Fuck you all!
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Who Doesn't Want a Side of Baby Diarrhea with Their Chicken Fried Rice?
A text from my Aunt:
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I shit you not. There's a woman changing a diaper on the table in the airport Panda Express. I had to say something.
I said "Please don't change your baby here. You can do that in the restroom." She said "OK", and then I said, "That's just not..." and then I was just speechless and walked away.
----
Too bad she didn't video tape it.
----
I shit you not. There's a woman changing a diaper on the table in the airport Panda Express. I had to say something.
I said "Please don't change your baby here. You can do that in the restroom." She said "OK", and then I said, "That's just not..." and then I was just speechless and walked away.
----
Too bad she didn't video tape it.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
A Box of Dog Shit Part II
During the holidaze this year, I had TWO Hickory Farms packages stolen from my porch (they nicely RE-sent when they found it had been stolen). Third one was sent UPS so it arrived safely. And now it's back out on the porch... hey hey hey! FUYA to all you package snatchers. Enjoy this one fuckers!
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Who Wants a Nice Steaming Box of Dog Shit?
Apparently SOMEONE does because they just stole two packages of it off my front porch.
About a year ago I told my mailman to leave any packages on my porch because I hate having to go to the post office to pick stuff up. He said he didn't recommend it, but I asked him to do it anyway. I hardly ever get packages mailed to my home address but at Xmas time this year, a couple relatives sent some presents. I had THREE packages that I never received. MIA.
This morning I made two "fake" packages and filled the boxes with dog shit. Not just dog shit, but gooey, steaming, smelly dog shit, fresh out of my backyard.
I put them on the porch and walked down the street to get a burrito. I was gone all of 15 minutes, and when I came back the packages were GONE.
HA. HA. HA.
FUYA!!!
About a year ago I told my mailman to leave any packages on my porch because I hate having to go to the post office to pick stuff up. He said he didn't recommend it, but I asked him to do it anyway. I hardly ever get packages mailed to my home address but at Xmas time this year, a couple relatives sent some presents. I had THREE packages that I never received. MIA.
This morning I made two "fake" packages and filled the boxes with dog shit. Not just dog shit, but gooey, steaming, smelly dog shit, fresh out of my backyard.
I put them on the porch and walked down the street to get a burrito. I was gone all of 15 minutes, and when I came back the packages were GONE.
HA. HA. HA.
FUYA!!!
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Poop Responsibly
Wanna go for a walk?!? Wanna go outside?!? C’mon boy! YEAH!!! Good boy!....
So, we've either heard that ourselves or said it to our furry four-legged friends when it’s time to go outside for a walk. Needless to say it’s like my dog just won the lottery every freak’n time! Barking, whining, howling, and dancing around wildly as if either on fire or he’s about to go do the most exciting thing on the planet.... EVER!
Got the leash? CHECK! Got my Jacket? CHECK! Got the dog treats? CHECK! Got keys? CHECK! Okay then, off we go! Making our way down the stairs to the street the excitement and anticipation mounts as we approach the door. Then, with a WOOSH, the door opens. The wonderful outdoors blows over the face of Riley, as if to say “Hello my old friend. Where ever have you been for so long?”...... But, OH WAIT! I forgot something! Poo-bags!
This is where the world of two different people emerges. Person “A” goes back up to the apartment. Seemingly crushing all thoughts of being outside. Riley looks at me as if to say, “Dude! You’re a DICK! REALLY?!? Poo bags? How the fuck do you forget this shit? This is the whole point of going out!”. I get the poo bags and magically happiness and bliss is restored. Off we go....
Person “B”, on the other hand, just shrugs it off and decides to roll the dice. Ummmm... What? Just shrug it off? Roll the dice? What the fuck? If your dog does go poo, what will you do? You’re just gonna leave that there aren't you? That’s what I thought.
Yep! Sure as shit, I see your dog squatting there in the middle of the sidewalk. You, leash in one hand tethered to your dogs’ collar. Staring off, into space, you seem to be pondering the weight of the world on your shoulders. I see no preparations being made to pick up shit. NO POO BAG! And sure as the day is light you walk away. Leaving a gift to the world.
You fucking tool! If your dog shits on your living room floor would you just leave it there? Fuck no you wouldn't! You’d clean it up on the spot because: a) it stinks; b) it’s unsightly; and c) it’s unsanitary! Well guess what asshole. Your dogs poop just doesn't magically loose all those properties outside. And you leaving it there makes the rest of us dog owners look like irresponsible fucks like you.
In fact, that’s exactly what happened to me just the other day when returning from a walk with Riley.....
Neighbor: Hey I think your dog pooped on our doorstep.
Me: No! He just pooped at the park. And besides I always pick up after him.
Neighbor: No. I mean he did it a few days ago.
...... insert freeze frame and long record scratch as I stare at him in disbelief.....
A FEW DAYS AGO?!? Who the fuck leaves dog shit on their door step for "a few days"?
Knowing full well it wasn't Riley, I said, “Well, let me get that for you”, went over, and WITH MY POO BAG, kindly scooped it up for him. Then, turning to him, I asked, “Would you like a handful of poo bags in case you find it again?”.
“Nope, we’re good”, he said seemingly annoyed. Okay fine......
To all you irresponsible dog owners, and stupid neighbors that leave poop on your doorstep for "days".
I say FuYA!!!!
Related Links: How to Pick Up Dog Poop
So, we've either heard that ourselves or said it to our furry four-legged friends when it’s time to go outside for a walk. Needless to say it’s like my dog just won the lottery every freak’n time! Barking, whining, howling, and dancing around wildly as if either on fire or he’s about to go do the most exciting thing on the planet.... EVER!
Got the leash? CHECK! Got my Jacket? CHECK! Got the dog treats? CHECK! Got keys? CHECK! Okay then, off we go! Making our way down the stairs to the street the excitement and anticipation mounts as we approach the door. Then, with a WOOSH, the door opens. The wonderful outdoors blows over the face of Riley, as if to say “Hello my old friend. Where ever have you been for so long?”...... But, OH WAIT! I forgot something! Poo-bags!
This is where the world of two different people emerges. Person “A” goes back up to the apartment. Seemingly crushing all thoughts of being outside. Riley looks at me as if to say, “Dude! You’re a DICK! REALLY?!? Poo bags? How the fuck do you forget this shit? This is the whole point of going out!”. I get the poo bags and magically happiness and bliss is restored. Off we go....
Person “B”, on the other hand, just shrugs it off and decides to roll the dice. Ummmm... What? Just shrug it off? Roll the dice? What the fuck? If your dog does go poo, what will you do? You’re just gonna leave that there aren't you? That’s what I thought.
Yep! Sure as shit, I see your dog squatting there in the middle of the sidewalk. You, leash in one hand tethered to your dogs’ collar. Staring off, into space, you seem to be pondering the weight of the world on your shoulders. I see no preparations being made to pick up shit. NO POO BAG! And sure as the day is light you walk away. Leaving a gift to the world.
You fucking tool! If your dog shits on your living room floor would you just leave it there? Fuck no you wouldn't! You’d clean it up on the spot because: a) it stinks; b) it’s unsightly; and c) it’s unsanitary! Well guess what asshole. Your dogs poop just doesn't magically loose all those properties outside. And you leaving it there makes the rest of us dog owners look like irresponsible fucks like you.
In fact, that’s exactly what happened to me just the other day when returning from a walk with Riley.....
Neighbor: Hey I think your dog pooped on our doorstep.
Me: No! He just pooped at the park. And besides I always pick up after him.
Neighbor: No. I mean he did it a few days ago.
...... insert freeze frame and long record scratch as I stare at him in disbelief.....
A FEW DAYS AGO?!? Who the fuck leaves dog shit on their door step for "a few days"?
Knowing full well it wasn't Riley, I said, “Well, let me get that for you”, went over, and WITH MY POO BAG, kindly scooped it up for him. Then, turning to him, I asked, “Would you like a handful of poo bags in case you find it again?”.
“Nope, we’re good”, he said seemingly annoyed. Okay fine......
To all you irresponsible dog owners, and stupid neighbors that leave poop on your doorstep for "days".
I say FuYA!!!!
Related Links: How to Pick Up Dog Poop
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